I initiated a park date with unknown amounts of people from the home school choir that I help run.
It was a fun to see friends – for me and my kids – and get to know some of these women deeper.
But one segment of conversation got me a little teary and aloof.
It was about my friend’s husband failing out of a difficult dream school and not believing he was good enough to pursue his dreams for a long time afterward.
While I did not have a similar experience with schools, it brought up feelings with friends. Friends that I had thought were life-long, through-thick-and-thin, ride-or-die friends and now they’re gone. Not from death parting us, but from being left in their pasts.
Pruning. I’ve talked to God about how hard it is to lose these friends and He reminds me that He’s pruning me.
Everyone knows that pruning is good for growth, but no one tells you that pruning hurts. Sometimes down to your core.
So while I was listening to my friend tell her husband’s story, I choked down my own:
I am afraid of having deep friendships because so many deep friendships that I’ve had have ended and it has been painful, and I’m afraid that I’ll lose any other deep friendships that I make. So to avoid pain, I avoid deepening my friendships with these wonderful women. All the while it is hard to not have friends to confide in abd do life with and count on even when I know they are there and would welcome me into their lives!
Now, I could blame Covid, or busyness, or season of life, but reality is that I’m scared that deep friendships = eventual hurt that I’d rather avoid.
All these feeling came rushing at me as I stood in the dandelions watching my children run on top of a long row of picnic tables (some battles aren’t worth fighting).
And I almost said something, but it felt selfish and not the right vibe for a casual park date.
And also like a pity party with ample amounts of guests. I wasn’t in the mood for a party.
So instead, I am left with my self-reflection and missed a chance to deepen a friendship by sharing something vulnerable about myself.