“I called on Your name, O Lord, From the lowest pit. You have heard my voice: “Do not hide Your ear From my sighing, from my cry for help.” You drew near on the day I called on You, And said, “Do not fear!” O Lord, You have pleaded the case for my soul; You have redeemed my life.”
Lamentations 3:55-58 NKJV
“He will redeem his soul from going down to the Pit, And his life shall see the light. “Behold, God works all these things, Twice, in fact, three times with a man, To bring back his soul from the Pit, That he may be enlightened with the light of life.”
Job 33:28-30 NKJV
I envision my soul as living in a small cottage. It has a main room with a comfy couch to entertain and a small dining table with a lace doily and two chairs. Everything is bright and tidy with sunshine streaming in through two big front windows. There’s a brown gravel path leading up to my front door and if you came in, the house would be quaint and content. Without going farther than the living room, it would seem perfect and calm.
But there’s a long hallway that doesn’t end. It goes deeper and deeper into my soul and it’s where I keep things that are private and don’t entertain guests.
There are bedrooms for private thoughts and feelings. Closets where I try to hide things like past mistakes or guilt. In one of these closets, my anxiety took up residence and had to be pulled out.
And one room is a giant black pit that is completely dark and larger than I care to find out.
I’ve had many years of my life where the bottom of the big black pit got farther and farther from the door and any light. The darkness was consuming in my mind, but I somehow could be deep in the pit and also in my spiritual kitchen serving others. Like there was always a piece of my soul in the dark and I would occasionally check to see if she was still deep down in there.
As I ignored her, yet checked on her more and more often, the pit grew deeper and darker. At its deepest part, I couldn’t see myself standing in the lighted doorway above and all of me felt like I was stuck in the pit, waiting for the light to reach me.
It felt like I would never get out and that I deserved to stay in there. A piece of me had always been in the pit, so I thought it was just part of being human and I needed to live with it forever.
What took me years to realize, was that the deep dark pit was not essential to my being. That I could be wholly “me” without a part of me being in this pit that was always there.
The deep dark pit’s name: shame.
Shame of being a victim once in my childhood. Shame of not being a perfect wife. Shame that I couldn’t seem to get my home together. Shame of having anxiety when my Bible clearly tells me not to be anxious. Shame of sin, doubt, imperfection, and failure. I felt so stuck.
I sank deeper into this pit for so many years, but it did not take long to climb out.
I would get stuck thinking that I couldn’t change my circumstances. Because as a person, I often can’t. But with God: He made everything and can change things in miraculous ways that I never thought possible.
So when I started truly giving my days to God, He started working on my pit.
He opened the door wide so I could see the way out. The light was a tiny speck in the sky and it hurt to think of all the work I needed to do to get up to it. But that was my mind speaking, not my heart trusting who my God is. He kept pulling me out of my shame, guilt, and self-disgust. He traded them with me for confidence, boundaries, and grace.
Little by little, He brought me up to the light and out of my pit of shame.
“He brought me out of the miry clay! He set my feet on the rock to stay! He puts a song in my soul today: a song of praise, hallelujah!” -Hymn by Henry J. Zelley, 1898
It’s important to know: I didn’t climb out of the darkness on my own. In fact, I did zero percent of the work to get out. I was healed, by God, from memories of my past, stories I had told myself, and the feelings of shame over not being perfect.
God brought me up gently, steadily, and lovingly. He didn’t forget me in my darkness or shut the door because I was too deep. He kept shining light on me and I felt myself lift into the light of His love as he healed me and kept me from turning away from Him and falling back in.
It’s been a few years since I was in the deepest parts of my dark pit. It’s still there, but I’m not in it. I don’t live with shame from events I couldn’t control, words I can’t take back, or sin that used to cover me that I had tried to hide. I am washed free from shame by God’s great grace.
I don’t deserve it in the slightest, but God’s love is deeper than any pit, wider than any timeline of sin, and brighter than even the deepest darkness could ever withstand.
Thank you, God, for your love for me in my deepest shame, for washing me with the blood of Jesus, and for bringing me into your glorious light where darkness cannot prevail.